Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Tales from the "LiberryCAST" CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: "A Christmas Carol Satan"

Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Theatre is proud to present, the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Christmas Special: "A Christmas Carol Satan."

Hark back to a time and possible alternate reality where Mrs. Carol Satan remained the Nastiest Patron Ever and we the "liberry" staff became bloodthirsty dispensers of "liberry" justice.  This dispensed with, the Ghost of Carol Satan and her other newly and rapidly growing number of deceased Rogue Patron brethren must band together to save the soul of the next rogue in line for a killin', before their eternity becomes any more hellish.


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Christmas Special: "A Christmas Carol Satan"


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Monday, December 24, 2012

EPISODE 039 (239): ChristmasCAST 2012



I thought I'd wrapped up all my Christmas-based entries in a nice bow in the 2011 ChristmasCAST, but it turns out I missed a few.  And a glorious few they are!  Among the tales featured this week, we have a holiday tale of complaint and revenge delivered Santa-style by board member Mrs. Day.  And the tale of a Christmas miracle featuring none other than our formerly nastiest patron ever, Mrs. Carol Satan.


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 039 (239): ChristmasCAST 2012


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Sunday, December 23, 2012

EPISODE 41 (141): Christmas Party Pack (REPOST)

(A BONUS REPOST OF LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS EPISODE, IN HONOR OF THE TWO NEW CHRISTMAS THEMED PODCASTS I'M POSTING THIS WEEK.)

I loves me some Christmas Party. Yessir. Nearly my favorite kind of party due to high concentrations of fantastic food and drink and presents. Our "liberry" Christmas parties were especially fun, as we usually did them potluck style and stuffed ourselves beyond full with the amazing dishes created by the wonderful cooks I worked with (and am married to). But there are many varieties of Christmas party beyond the "liberry", not to mention just nutty seasonal crap to deal with. This week's podcast explores the topic all around.

This podcast features unfortunate guest appearances by both Chester the (potential) Molester and my colon.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 41 (141): Christmas Party Pack

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EPISODE 17 (117): The Nastiest Patron Ever (REPOSTED CLASSIC)

(A BONUS CLASSIC EPISODE FROM SEASON 1, IN HONOR OF MRS. CAROL SATAN'S UPCOMING CHRISTMAS APPEARANCES ON THE PODSCAST)

As much as I gripe about nutty patrons, the vast majority of people I had to deal with on a daily basis were amazingly nice and appreciative folk, who would never think to question a fine, let alone whine about it and whose scant few complaints were limited to things like, "I wish the library was open even more often than every day, cause I just love it so much!" Then, just when I was starting to think that humanity was basically decent, if occasionally misunderstood, and I should really look into shutting up with my own petty moaning, someone truly evil, such as the patron I called Mrs. Carol Satan, would arrive and blow the decency curve for everyone.

Mrs. Carol Satan's overriding memorable quality, (beyond smelling like a Marlboro factory in heat) was her ability to go from zero to psychotic, lying, bizatch in the space of 2.5 seconds. Not only was she known to frequently lie to our faces concerning matters that were her own damn fault, but she usually did so at full scream, practically slashing at our eyes with her claws. Any encounter with her left you feeling violated and dirty. She gave harpies a bad name. Dipped in the River C, she was.

Fortunately, we were at last able to defeat her in a most public manner.

This is that story.


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 17 (117): The Nastiest Patron Ever

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Monday, December 17, 2012

EPISODE 038 (238): The Second Crustacean Menace

Among the five Grumpiest Old Men in All The World that I encountered and cataloged during my time at the "Liberry," the 3rd Grumpiest, Mr. Crab, was perhaps the most irritating on a day to day basis. For while he was not as frequent a visitor as 1st Grumpiest Old Man, Mr. B-Natural, and did more to keep the library in business than 2nd Grumpiest Mr. Smiley (a man who actively campaigned to prevent us from building a new building), Mr. Crab habitually provided us with a greater volume of shit than any of the others.

Today's episode continues to illustrate this, in addition to telling the tales of the two times in my life that I have been afforded the opportunity to impale him on a broom.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 038 (238): The Second Crustacean Menace!

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Sunday, December 16, 2012

EPISODE 33 (133): The Crustacean Menace! (REPOST)

BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF THIS WEEK'S MR. CRAB-CENTRIC EPISODE

In the past, we've chronicled small tales of Mr. B-Natural and Mr. Smiley, the first and second grumpiest old men in all the world respectively. However, the third grumpiest old man in all the world actually proved to be one of the more active antagonists in the history of the Tales from the "Liberry" blog. As I said last week, he's an honorary old white lady and for good reason; not only is he on par with the O.W.L.s in mere surliness, but he could go up against the worst of them in the Forgetting Your Library Card and Getting All Worked up About it to the Point of Leveling Threats Against the Staff 400 meter dash. One for the record books, people.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 33 (133): The Crustacean Menace!

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Monday, December 10, 2012

EPISODE 037 (237): Of Mice and Mentality

Most libraries have a compliment of mentally handicapped patrons, but we in fact had one such soul on the staff.  (No, not just Eternal Newbie Greenhorn Ms. S.)

Though he rarely made appearances on the Tales from the "Liberry" blog, our volunteer staff member Lennie was a weekly presence in our lives, though not one without his quirks.  For instance, getting him to leave the building could be a challenge, cause he was built like his literary namesake and could not be easily moved if he did not want to be.  However, we found the answer to that problem and it involves the Village People.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 037 (237): Of Mice and Mentality

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Monday, December 3, 2012

EPISODE 036 (236): Honkies!


Honkies.  They're a problem, be they people honking their car horns incessantly (or, in my case, to keep from being backed over in Walmart's parking lot), to crazy old white men, to people engaged in honking of a completely different and non mechanical nature.  In honor of it being national honky week (and if it's not, I'm declaring it), this week's podcast is dedicated to the honks we love to hate.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 036 (236): Honkies!

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Sunday, November 25, 2012

EPISODE 035 (235): Cranky Liquid Paper Guy (and other tales of Library Neophytes)

We're all neophytes at something in life, but the number of people who remain computer neophytes in 2012 is still pretty astounding to me.  Even more astounding are the people who are neophytes to libraries themselves--entire "famblies" of people who would only set foot in one if sent there by THEY.  This podcast tells a few such stories that befell me during my time working for a "liberry."

(Featuring a guest appearance by Parka.)
DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 035 (235): Cranky Liquid Paper Guy (and other Tales of Library Neophytes)

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EPISODE 5 (105): The Ballad of I.N. Phyte (REPOST)

(IN HONOR OF THIS WEEK'S EPISODE CELEBRATING LIBRARY AND COMPUTER NEOPHYTES, I REPOST EPISODE 5 OF SEASON 1, "THE BALLAD OF I.N. PHYTE.")
 
Fact: There are still people in this country--young people, even--whose lives do not revolve around the internet. These are people who not only don't check their email every day, they don't even HAVE email. It's kind of refreshing, when you think about it. However, it can also be VERY frustrating when those same people turn up and decide to jump whole hog into it in the course of one lesson. It can be difficult to explain the concept of the world wide web to an internet neophyte when they are still trying to climb the hurdle of basic computer concepts. It is even more difficult to explain all of the above to a person who is aggressively ignoring everything you tell them.

That used to be my job.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 5 (105)

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Thursday, November 22, 2012

EPISODE 38 (138): The Thanksgiving Podcast (REPOST)


(REPOST OF TURKEY DAY PODCAST FROM SEASON 1, EPISODE 38.  YOU'RE WELCOME.)

On this Thanksgiving holiday, I am thankful for family and friends willing to travel great distances to my home only to have to sleep on inflatabeds. I'm also thankful that I once wrote a handful of Tales from the "Liberry" entries in which Thanksgiving played a part. That's cause they were readily available for me to adapt for this week's podcast.

Hope you and yours are having a festive turkey season.

(And that you don't live in Missouri or Kentucky, cause I shit on those states pretty heavily in this episode.)

(This podcast features the first podcast appearance of Birthday Lady)

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 38 (138): The Thanksgiving Episode

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Sunday, November 18, 2012

EPISODE 034 (234): Nonactual Conversations Not Actually Heard in any Libraries #74

When I was first planning this podcast, there were two entries from the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog that I knew I had to adapt.  The first you can hear as the first episode.  The next is this episode.

For all the entries I wrote in my "Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries" series, only a few were labeled as paraphrased and none were outright fiction.... well, except for one.  I got pissed off at a certain set of real circumstances one day and started writing unreal dialogue. 

So I now present Non-Actual Conversations Not Heard in Actual Libraries #74--a completely fictional conversation between a number of real rogue patrons, inspired by actual events if not actual words.


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 034 (234): Non-actual conversations NOT Heard in Actual Libraries #74

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Monday, November 12, 2012

EPISODE 033 (233): Who's Got the 10 and a Half, Minus the Half? Part III (Sorta)

For most of my "liberry" career, I was a part time employee. Once in a while, though, when EVERYONE else was out of town, I was called upon to take on not only a full 8 hour day, but sometimes a full 10 hour day, almost entirely by myself.  And then there were times when I shot myself in my own foot by paying off favors owed for days substituted by fellow employees and worked a double shift for them with most of the rest of the staff present, too.  You try real time blogging when everyone's looking over your shoulder!

Guest stars include: Mr. Smiley, Buddy, Harry the Killer Midget, Lennie, Mr. Little Stupid, The Coot and more.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 033 (233): Who's Got the 10 and a Half Minus the Half? Part 3 (Sorta)

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Sunday, November 4, 2012

EPISODE 032 (232): The (Potential) Final Chester Episode


I thought the only fitting way to wrap up this string of episodes in the Crime & Excrement Saga was to tell a few more tales about a guy who's been on the fringes of nearly every one of the last two months' worth of shows... Chester the (Potential) Molester.  These mark the final tales focussed on Chester before I stopped writing the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog.
 


     


     
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Sunday, October 28, 2012

EPISODE 031 (231): Monsieur Stanky

Way back in EPISODE 16 (116) of this podcast, I started to tell the story of our penultimate stinky patron, Mr. Stanky.  So, 67 episodes later, I finally get around to picking up where I left off. 
Mr. Stanky was a guy who was so eye-wateringly stinky that he defeated all comers from our air-freshener arsenal. We dreaded his appearance, because we knew with great certainty that at some point during his visit (and, perhaps, even after it) we would each be pummelled about the face by his horrifying odor. He was astoundingly stinky... except when he wasn't.
DOWNLOAD: EPISODE 031 (231): Monsieur Stanky

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Sunday, October 21, 2012

EPISODE 030 (230): The Untalented Mr. Ripley and other "Liberry" Criminals



The Untalented Mr. Ripley was far from the only would-be master criminal we encountered, but he was one of the few who we knew that were eventually arrested for it.  However, his semi-allies, The Fagins, were far more destructive to the "liberry" proper and are infamous for stealing piles of books from our branch and others across the years.  These, and one other, are their stories.


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Sunday, October 14, 2012

EPISODE 029 (229): Mookiestinks!

From nearly day one of the Tales from the "Liberry" blog, one of my major topics of frustration was the seemingly neverending series of horrors visited upon me via our public  restroom.  From patrons who refused to use our handy air-freshener, to the toilet death throes after another patron flushed something unflushable, to puddles of standing urine, to the occasional poo festivals of our mentally handicapped patrons, I have seen things I cannot unsee.  Or unsmell.  Add to that our continuing theme of semi-bathroom-related crime and you have a metric shit ton of "liberry" hassle.

DOWNLOAD: EPISODE 029 (229): Mookiestinks!

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Sunday, October 7, 2012

EPISODE 028 (228): The Coot

The majority of patrons are not rogue patrons.  Some are great, some average, some merely annoying and some are what I called benign irritants.  They're not evil, but sometimes may as well be for the amount of hassle they create.  Such a patron was The Coot--an old man who didn't quite rise to even 6th grumpiest status, but who still demonstrated some of the most aggressive passive aggressive behavior I've ever seen. 
 
DOWNLOAD: EPISODE 028 (228): The Coot

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Monday, October 1, 2012

EPISODE 027 (227): Tales of the Bladder Thieves



We didn't have a lot of trouble when it came to lawbreakers and the "liberry."  More often, our patrons were overzealous when it came to the law and its intricacies.  But once in a while we were touched by the greasy caress of theft.

Today I present the tale of the theft of the library's laptop by thieves driven to crime by their own bashful bladders.  I also show how our own Junior Clubhouse Detective work that ultimately confirmed the identities of the thieves in question.

(Featuring a cameo by Chester the (Potential) Molester.)


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Monday, September 24, 2012

EPISODE 026 (226): Chester the (Potential) Gym Rat and other stories


Everyone has trouble losing the holiday pounds.  Even Chester the (Potential) Molester.  And when there's lard to lose, what's a prevert like Chester to do?  Answer: Head on down to the local gym, where he can get in a workout while ogling short-short clad beauties, all while wearing his stupid little knit cap.  Of course, those beauties don't usually take kindly to being ogled by the likes of Chester.  And therein lies our story.

(Featuring a guest appearance by Parka)


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Sunday, September 16, 2012

EPISODE 025 (225): RandomCAST

On a whim, and lacking any other podcast material that struck my fancy when I woke up, I started rolling dice to determine a line of Tales from the "Liberry" blog entry dates from which I could potentially pull podcast adaptation material. Acording to my rules--ohhhh, there were rules--I couldn't rerecord a podcast I'd already adapted, couldn't adapt just one part of a multi-part story, nor could I skip to a nearby date if no entry existed for the date I rolled. After a 2 out of 5 ratio, I gave up on dice and hit Random.org's date randomizer, plugged in the range of years for the blog and went to town with slightly better results. In the end, I had five randomly chosen stories to adapt for today's show and adapt them I have. You're welcome.

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Sunday, September 9, 2012

EPISODE 024 (224): BabyCAST


During the writing of Tales from the "Liberry" the blog, I often found cause to point out the parental failings of some of our patrons. And on a few occasions, this hubris on my part would cause the patron saint of parents to arrange for me to experience a taste of the rigors of parenting myself. I was not always up to the challenge.

(Featuring baby Ashley, the baby who appeared on last week's podcast.)




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Sunday, September 2, 2012

EPISODE 023 (223): BirthdayCAST


During the five year course of writing the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog, I wrote a substantial entry almost every single weekday. However, there were a few occasions when I skipped out on my blogging duties and not only said EFF it to myself, but posted it as well. And usually that day fell upon my birthday. That said, there are still a number of longer entries devoted to my birthday or involving birthdays in general. There are also an even greater number of entries devoted to the patron we called Birthday Lady, who phoned us faithfully every time a celebrity died to learn from us the day on which that fresh dirt-napper was born.

So, in honor of the fact that this particular episode drops on my 2nd 39th birthday, I present a podcast that chronicles both of the above scenarios and more: The BirthdayCAST.




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Sunday, August 26, 2012

EPISODE 022 (222): Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries


When one works in a library, one hears a lot of conversations. Often they arrive in person, often by phone and sometimes by second hand retellings of tales from fellow employees. When I heard a good one, I tried to write it down for use on the blog. Sometimes they were funny. Other times just odd. And occasionally they were downright terrifying. These are a few of my favorites.

(Guest starring Rogue Patrons: Mrs. Carol Satan and Barbara Turdmurkle)




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Friday, August 24, 2012

EPISODE 26 (126): D-Con Kills Nerds Dead (BONUS ENCORE)

In honor of this being Dragon Con Weekend, here's an encore bonus of last year's Dragon Con-themed LiberryCAST

As you might have noticed, I'm an enormous nerd. Maybe not quite as nerdy as the Nerdist Podcast, but nerdy all the same. As such, I'm fond of heading out to nerd gatherings such as the infamous Dragon Con in Atlanta. In honor of this being Dragon Con weekend for 2011, I present some non-"liberry" tales of my D-Con experiences of the past decade. Included are encounters with gerbil-cleavaged sci-fi heroines; Annoying Brit Track Boy's near-death-experience at the hands of both the panel audience and the 5th Doctor Who; an awkward encounter with Biff from Back to the Future, Harlan Ellison laying verbal waste to one and all; and, as always, the guy that played Boomer in the 70s Battlestar Galactica.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 26 (126): D-Con Kills Nerds Dead

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Sunday, August 19, 2012

EPISODE 021 (221): Annoying Greens of the Non-Horn Variety

Having last appeared in the Bad Mom's 2 Mother's Day Episode, Ms. Green was not a bad mom, per se, despite assisting her son with his homework projects a bit more than would be educationally healthy for him. She also distinguished herself by being one of our more exasperating patrons despite almost always being incredibly nice to us. The primary reason for the conflict between our personality types stemmed from her refusal to understand simple concepts requiring no explanation without us supplying triple-ply explanation. Well, that and her cell phone ringtone, which sounded like avian prison rape porn. (And let me just say, I look forward to the Google Keyword search terms that find THAT when I next check Statcounter.)


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Sunday, August 12, 2012

EPISODE 020 (220): Greenhorns 5: The Fall of the Queen


The day we hoped for and dreamed of had to eventually come: the day the Queen of the Eternal Newbie Greenhorns, Ms. S, left the employ of the "liberry." And when the day came, she went with barely a whimper, but a whole lot of whining.

What we didn't realize was the freeing her from the employ of the "liberry" freed her up for a new calling: fiction writer.

Also features the long sought-for 5th Grumpiest Old Man in All the World: William Shatner.
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Monday, August 6, 2012

EPISODE 019 (219): Oranges and Lemons and Goat Wangs


8/8/12 THIS EPISODE HAS NOW BEEN RERECORDED TO ELIMINATE SHITTY AUDIO PROBLEMS FROM FIRST ATTEMPT. (I'm breaking in a new home studio, folks.)

A podcast over a year in the making featuring a cinematic theme. Yes, just in time for Catwoman's appearance in The Dark Knight Rises comes the second part of the much delayed Halle Berry's Catwoman Blows Goat Wang entry from nigh on a year back. Plus there are the touching tales of the best flat-footed mountain dancer and Elvis impersonator in the world (or at least our state) and why Star Wars Episode III made me cry. (Hint: It wasn't Hayden Christensen's acting, though it should have been.)
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Sunday, July 29, 2012

EPISODE 018 (218): Gemini Satan (or "Thermo Dynamics")


Brent and Brice (a.k.a. the New Devil Twins) and their friends, the Auxiliary League of Neighborhood Kids, were a minor thorn in our collective "liberry" side through most of my time working there. They were mostly known for hogging up our computers, My Space chatting to one another from a mere three feet away and their habit of printing reams of video game cheat codes which they always acted shocked about having to pay for. But when the thermostat controls of our building began receiving extreme and unauthorized adjustments, their names were among those that turned up on my short list of Merry Prankster Suspects.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Season 2, Episode 18 (218): Gemini Satan (or "Thermo Dynamics")

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Sunday, July 22, 2012

EPISODE 017 (217): (Potential) Parking Enforcement

On many occasions during my time at the "liberry" I expressed my deepest desire to call the police concerning our resident pedophile, Chester the (Potential) Molester. This is the story of the time I finally got to call them... about his illegally parked car.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Season 2, Episode 17 (217): (Potential) Parking Enforcement

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