EPISODE 42 (142): What Would Wal-Mart Jesus Do?

On this special day, on which we both celebrate the birth of our savior and worship at the altar of commerce, I bring you a Christmas story of another humble servant of God.

One of the most memorable patrons we ever had to deal with was a fellow we collectively called Jesus and who I blog-dubbed Wal-Mart Jesus. How come? Cause he looked like Jesus, but wearing flowing, striped, table-clothy robes that looked as if they had been pulled directly from a roll in Wal-Mart's fabric department. He was instantly recognizable and very very memorable. Which is odd, because the major trouble we had with him stemmed from an incident involving him that none of us could remember.

WWWMJD? Drive us nuts.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 42 (142): What Would Wal-Mart Jesus Do?

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Wal-Mart Jesus Won't Leave Me Alone"
• Original Blog Entry: "Wal-Mart Jesus Vs. The Internet"
• Original Blog Entry: "New Threads"
• Original Blog Entry: "Wal-Mart Jesus Has Had Enough"
• Original Blog Entry: "Wal-Mart Jesus Prepares to Smite the Wicked"
• Original Blog Entry: "Twenty-Five Minutes With Wal-Mart Jesus"
  

EPISODE 41 (141): Christmas Party Pack

I loves me some Christmas Party. Yessir. Nearly my favorite kind of party due to high concentrations of fantastic food and drink and presents. Our "liberry" Christmas parties were especially fun, as we usually did them potluck style and stuffed ourselves beyond full with the amazing dishes created by the wonderful cooks I worked with (and am married to). But there are many varieties of Christmas party beyond the "liberry", not to mention just nutty seasonal crap to deal with. This week's podcast explores the topic all around.

This podcast features unfortunate guest appearances by both Chester the (potential) Molester and my colon.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 41 (141): Christmas Party Pack

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "The Greatest and Best Blog Entry in the World... tribute"
• Original Blog Entry: "Christmas Party, the fifth"
• Original Blog Entry: "More information about my bowels than is absolutely necessary!"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Ceintures du Jus Deux (Dumbass Things I've Done Lately Week: Day 1)"
• Original Blog Entry: "Christmas Party"
• Christmas Dalek Cover Art by Stella Rowan
• Borderland Tales from the Lost Months "Jury Duty"
  

EPISODE 40 (140): Mr. B-Natural

There are rogue patrons and there are Rogue Patrons and Mr. B-Natural, Grumpiest Old Man in All the World, was usually somewhere in between. Not an evil human being by any stretch, but a tremendously cranky man, except when in the presence of his beloved pooch, Bubba. Our main beef with him is that Mr. B-Natural was a guy who definitely took pleasure in annoying the bejeezus out of the library staff by blatantly breaking as many rules as he could get away with just to piss us off. To hear him tell it, a library needs patrons who break the rules, otherwise we would have no reason to have rules at all. (Which, I think, was exactly the motivation of Professor Zoom, the arch-nemesis of The Flash.) So he continually signed his name upside down on our computer sign in sheet and tried to sneak his coffee back to the computers for his daily crossword. These are but a few of his stories.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 40 (140): Mr. B-Natural.

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "The Greatest and Best Blog Entry in the World... tribute"
• Original Blog Entry: "Mr. B-Natural's Coffee `Brakes' "
• Original Blog Entry: "Poor Bubba"
• Original Blog Entry: "Mr. B-Missing?"
• Original Blog Entry: "The Return of the Cranky King"
• Original Blog Entry: "B's Fleas"
• Original Blog Entry: "Mr. B-Natural Slakes his Thirst for Righteous Vengeance with the "Liberry's" Blood"
• Studio 360's Tesla Podcasts
• Jeff Smith's RASL
• Mr. B Natural short...

EPISODE 39 (139): And the Password Is...

Everybody has a secret these days. If nothing else, they have at least one computer password. We went through several at the "liberry" for our patron computers, mostly because our patrons kept hacking them. And, sure, we didn't always make this as difficult as we should, but people having the patron computer password wasn't exactly the end of the world. It was just irritating. And who among our patrons tended to be the ones who tried to hack us most frequently? Why the Rogue Patrons, of course.

(Featuring appearances by Parka, The Evil Fed Ex Guy and the Devil Twins Auxiliary League of Neighborhood Kids)

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 39 (139): And the Password is...

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "And the Password is..."
• Original Blog Entry: "And the Password is (2007)"
• Original Blog Entry: "And the stars aligned (a.k.a. "The Password STILL is...")"
• Original Blog Entry: "And the Password is (2007)"
• Patrice O'Neal on YouTube

EPISODE 38 (138): The Thanksgiving Podcast

On this Thanksgiving holiday, I am thankful for family and friends willing to travel great distances to my home only to have to sleep on inflatabeds. I'm also thankful that I once wrote a handful of Tales from the "Liberry" entries in which Thanksgiving played a part. That's cause they were readily available for me to adapt for this week's podcast.

Hope you and yours are having a festive turkey season.

(And that you don't live in Missouri or Kentucky, cause I shit on those states pretty heavily in this episode.)

(This podcast features the first podcast appearance of Birthday Lady)

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 38 (138): The Thanksgiving Episode

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Complaint Department"
• Original Blog Entry: "Happy Turkey Day"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Turkey Calling"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "And no drinkin', either!"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Hi, I'm Missouri"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Hi, I'm Kentucky"
• Original Blog Entry: "Da Trip Home"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Little Known Facts About Missouri"
• "LiberryCAST" Favorite Podcast of the Week: Pardcast-a-thon 2011
  

EPISODE 37 (137): Gene Gene the Geneal0gy Machine

There are many irritating patron archetypes, but among the most irritating of them are the Geneal0gy People. Yes, those patrons who are so fervid about their own ancestry that they simply must spend at least six hours a day diligently researching the shit out of it. And, really, if you're gonna put that kind of time and labor into something you're so passionate about, are you gonna keep your discoveries to yourself? Hell no, you're going to tell simply EVERYONE about it all. And who better to start with than the library staff? We had a handful of amateur geneal0gists under foot, but the one we actually avoided at all costs was the man who became known as Gene Gene the Geneal0gy Machine.


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 37 (137): Gene Gene the Genealogy Machine

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "All in the Gene"
• Original Blog Entry: "I dream of Gene (leaving)"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Trout Fishing in America"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Jumpin' Gene"

EPISODE 36 (136): The Ballad of Crusty the Patron

While not the stinkiest patron we ever had to deal with, the man who became known as Crusty the Patron was still counted among the worst of the stinky patron lot due to his tenacity in inflicting his stench on us for hours at a time. Crusty suffered from a number of other hygienic ailments that made working at my "liberry" downright unappetizing. And while I was not allowed to kick him out directly, I was able to find at least a temporary solution to the basic problems he caused for us without a direct confrontation. (Don't eat any pastries while listening to this episode.)

This ep also features appearances and references to Parka, Gene Gene the Genealogy Machine, and the worlds second stinkiest patron, Mr. Stanky.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 36 (136): The Ballad of Crusty the Patron

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Nearsighted Dave"
• Original Blog Entry: "Nearsighted Dave: The Return"
• Original Blog Entry: "Crust-O-Rama"
• Original Blog Entry: "Stinking Innanet Crowd"
• Original Blog Entry: "THE FRIEND OF MY ENEMY IS MY... wait, that aint right. THE ENEMY OF MY FRIEND IS... er, no. THE FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF MY ENEMY IS... oops, outta spa"
• Original Blog Entry: "Of course..."
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Rumors and Returns"
  

EPISODE 35 (135): Billy the Brainchild

There were only a handful of patrons I truly hated, most with good reason. However, one who pressed all my hatred buttons within seconds of meeting him was a guy I called Billy the Brainchild--well, him and a remarkably similar patron called The Expert). Billy was a guy out to make a name for himself in a variety of half-assed media business ventures of a pornographic nature. His ultimate goal was to become Appalachia's version of Larry Flynt, minus the wheel chair and, presumably, the inflatable wang. And that wasn't even why I hated him. No, my ire was because his first step toward his goal (besides putting his bong down for one whole hour) was to come pester us for ways to achieve that goal. But, naturally, a guy as smart as Billy saw himself didn't really need our help. He already knew everything there was to know about the business world; he just needed us to confirm it for him. And therein lay the basic conflict.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 35 (135): Billy the Brainchild

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Expert Opinion"
• Original Blog Entry: "Billy the Brainchild"
• Original Blog Entry: "Oh the Irony"
• Favorite Podcast of the Week: Risk "Eek!"

EPISODE 34 (134): Dawn of the Dufus (and a story involving a fat guy on a couch)

The major problem with patron access computers are the patrons. They don't have computers at home, so they have to come use ours.

And that's great, until it's not.

Such was the case with a Rogue Patron I came to call The Dufus. He was a guy from the area who'd gone out into the world for, to hear him tell it, a storied career as a minor deity on the West Coast, where he hobnobbed with rich and powerful celebrities all of whom adored him. Again, to hear him tell it. And tell it he was more than willing to do. Somehow he got it into his head that such minor matters as time limits on the patron computers didn't apply to him and no matter how many people we had waiting to use his, there he sat, pissing all of us off. Ironic and moronic, because he was using our computer to try and get a job working for the library in the first place.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 34 (134): Dawn of the Dufus

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Dawn of the Dufus"
• The Sound of Young America's George R.R. Martin interview.
• The Nerdist's John Hodgman interview
• The Nerdist's Neil Gaiman interview
  

EPISODE 33 (133): The Crustacean Menace!

In the past, we've chronicled small tales of Mr. B-Natural and Mr. Smiley, the first and second grumpiest old men in all the world respectively. However, the third grumpiest old man in all the world actually proved to be one of the more active antagonists in the history of the Tales from the "Liberry" blog. As I said last week, he's an honorary old white lady and for good reason; not only is he on par with the O.W.L.s in mere surliness, but he could go up against the worst of them in the Forgetting Your Library Card and Getting All Worked up About it to the Point of Leveling Threats Against the Staff 400 meter dash. One for the record books, people.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 33 (133): The Crustacean Menace!

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "First Day Back"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #37 ("Thirty-Seven?!!")"
• Original Blog Entry: "More Fun with Mr. Crab"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Crab's Complaint"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Bad Case of the Crabs"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Mr. Crab Finally Poops"
• Original Blog Entry: "We've Got Letters!"
• FAV POD OF WEEK: Smoviola #3: Buckaroo Banzai
  

EPISODE 32 (132): Blue Hair Group

Customer service people, back me up here. When it comes to the ability of customers/patrons to deliver huge consignments of shit during the course of a basic transaction, the group of human beings most likely to be making that delivery are Old White Ladies. Yessir. More than any other group on the planet, they are the least easy to please. Maybe it's a southern thing. I dunno. But that has been my experience over the course of 20 years of dealing with the public, and four such tales are presented in this week's podcast. (Featuring an appearance by Delva Poopoohead, of the New England Poopooheads.)

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 32 (132): Blue Hair Group

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original blog entry: "Liberry Glossary: Old White Women"
• Original blog entry: "Attack of the Old White Women"
• Original blog entry: "The Old White Women Strike Back"
• Original blog entry: "The Perfect Storm of Extremely High-Maintainance, Needy, Old White Women"
• Nerdist Podcast with Ben Folds
• Ben Folds.com
  

EPISODE 31 (131): Troubled Youth

Children are not angels. Sometimes they break bad and have to be sent away for a while to a place where they can be broken of the badness, or simply be removed from a bad situation. (I know, I know, that's a huge over simplification, but that's how it seems.) We had a couple of homes for troubled youth in Tri-Metro and they were frequent visitors to the "liberry" along with their usual hulking, pro-wrestler style Troubled Youth Wranglers. Getting materials back from them was often a problem. Getting them to stop asking if we had The Anarchist Cookbook, an impossibility.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 31 (131): Troubled Youth

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original blog entry: "Where's Jan Brady When you Need Her"
• Original blog entry: "Try the 641s, kid."
• Original blog entry: "Try the 364s, kid."
• The Sound of Young America podcast
  

EPISODE 30 (130): Shhhhh!

Libraries are supposed to be places of quiet study. Mine, not so much. Our patrons were very loud. Sometimes they suffered from no-inside-voice syndrome, a sad condition in which their parents never taught them proper indoor voice technique. Other times they used blood curdling screams as their only form of communication. And, on the rare occasions when they were quiet, they were excessively quiet and were in danger of having their voices drowned out by the sounds of typing. Presented for your modulated listening, three tales spanning the history of the original blog.

Notable appearances by Kanji the Kid, the Screamer.


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 30 (130): Shhhhh!

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original blog entry: "Librarians Against the Apocalypse"
• Original blog entry: "Dammit this is a library, you're supposed to be yelling."
• Original blog entry: "Kanji the Kid Won't Leave me Alone"
• Nerdist.com

EPISODE 29 (129): Banned

In honor of National Banned Books Week, we present an expanded version of an Actual Conversation Heard in an Actual Library on that very topic. Directly interwoven with this tale is the story of my abiding love of the Walter the Farting Dog series and how my "liberry" self-banned it for several months to avoid the nonexistent wrath of coddling parents.

All in all, four different Tales from the "Liberry", each involving Walter to some degree, are covered in today's podcast, yet none of them are in their original form from the blog. Eat new content!
DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 29 (129): Banned

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original blog entry: "Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #31"
• Original blog entry: "New Addition (Gassy Dogs II Men)"
• Original blog entry: "First Words"
• Original blog entry: "Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #88"

EPISODE 28 (128): The Dreamcast

Libraries are places full of dreams. (Just ask Lucien.) Sometimes they can be literal, such as a nightmare I once had regarding a particular problem patron discovering the blog, or my dream of revenge on Joss Whedon for... well, Firefly fans know what Joss did. Other times, in title alone. And other times, it can be the dreams of a patron, dashed by a surly "liberry" ass. such as myself. They can all be found in today's DreamCAST.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 28 (128): The Dreamcast

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original blog entry: "E = M.F. ^2"
• Original blog entry: "Dreaming of Me (Ooooo, la la la... OooooooooOOOOO)"
• Original blog entry: "Kicked `em Squar"
  
• Original blog entry: "Don't even DREAM about them, cause they know when you're dreaming about them"
• Original blog entry: "Actual Telephone Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #97 (a.k.a. "Juice Dashes Yet More Dreams!")"

EPISODE 27 (127): Anniversaries and Origins

Today's 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks brings to mind where I was during that time a decade ago and how it coincided with my hiring at the Tri-Metro "liberry." Today's podcast presents an adaptation of that portion of Secret Origins of Tales from the "Liberry" as well as a commentary bit containing the actual never-before-revealed secret origin of the blog.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 27 (127): Anniversaries and Origins

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: The Secret Origin of Tales from the "Liberry" (Part 5)
  
• Blogger Michelle Au's 9/11 account
  

EPISODE 26 (126): D-Con Kills Nerds Dead

As you might have noticed, I'm an enormous nerd. Maybe not quite as nerdy as the Nerdist Podcast, but nerdy all the same. As such, I'm fond of heading out to nerd gatherings such as the infamous Dragon Con in Atlanta. In honor of this being Dragon Con weekend for 2011, I present some non-"liberry" tales of my D-Con experiences of the past decade. Included are encounters with gerbil-cleavaged sci-fi heroines; Annoying Brit Track Boy's near-death-experience at the hands of both the panel audience and the 5th Doctor Who; an awkward encounter with Biff from Back to the Future, Harlan Ellison laying verbal waste to one and all; and, as always, the guy that played Boomer in the 70s Battlestar Galactica.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 26 (126): D-Con Kills Nerds Dead

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "D-Con Kills Nerds Dead"
• Original Blog Entry: "D-Con Report 2004"
• Original Blog Entry: Comic Cons tag
  

EPISODE 25 (125): Odd Birds, Strange Encounters, and Fragmentary Dilemmas (and cussin')

Libraries always have their odd bird patrons. Flocks of them, usually. Ours was no exception. Presented for your consideration today are five tales of such in-the-wild encounters with odd bird patrons, and/or tales featuring some cussin'. That's right, it's the All Cussin' Episode with nary a censor tone to be found and "Explicit" right on the label. Fire it up for Grandma! (F*ck yeah!!)

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 25 (125): Odd Birds, Strange Encounters, and Fragmentary Dilemmas (and cussin')

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Today's Odd Bird"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Menthols or Regular"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #39"
• Original Blog Entry: "Fragmentary Dilemmas"
• Original Blog Entry: "Cap'n Crossdresser and the World of Tomorrow"

EPISODE 24 (124): Who's Got the 10 and a Half?

For most of my "liberry" career, I was a part time employee. Once in a while, though, when EVERYONE else was out of town, I was called upon to take on not only a full 8 hour day, but sometimes a full 10 hour day, almost entirely by myself. This is when my experiments with real time blogging began to take shape. It's not all funny material, but it was often surprising.

Guest stars include: Mr. Smiley, Parka, Kanji the Kid, Brent & Brice the New Devil Twins, Chester the (Potential) Moletster, and more.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 24 (124): Who's Got the 10 and a Half?

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: Conference Week Day 1
• Original Blog Entry: Conference Week Day 3
• Black Flag album "Who's Got the 10 and 1/2?"
  

EPISODE 23 (123): The Amazing Mr. Kreskin

(Now updated with the correct episode file.)

One of the most astounding figures I encountered during my time at the "liberry" was our board president, Mr. Kreskin (not his real name). He was a very nice and capable human being, tirelessly juggling multiple complicated projects on the library's behalf. And from those projects arose many questions, only our two librarians were capable of answering for him. Unfortunately the ONLY time he was ever known to phone us at all were on the rare days when both librarians were out of town and unavailable. It was more reliable than Old Faithful.

(This episode also includes a cameo by Mrs. Carol Satan.)


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 23 (123): The Amazing Mr. Kreskin

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Entry: "Librarians Against the Apocalypse"
  
• Original Entry: "Mr. Kreskin Strikes Again"
  
• Original Entry: "The Kreskin Prophecy"
• the real Amazing Kreskin
• the Wiki for the real Amazing Kreskin

EPISODE 22 (122): Summer Reading Blues

Summer Reading, oh how it burns!

Yes, it's the time of year when snot-nosed crumb-crunchers descend upon the "liberry" to craft crafts, hear stories, fill out reading logs and create chaos. That is, if their parents can manage to get them signed up to begin with.

And who is the queen of Summer Reading Chaos? Why our old nemesis, Little Kayla, of course.

(This episode also includes a cameo by Parka as well as one by his shag carpet of torso hair.)


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 22 (121): Summer Reading Blues

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Required listening: "Bad Mother's Day"
• Required listening: "Now THAT's some Monday for your ass"
• Required listening: "Parka Life"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "History Lessons"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Summer Reading Day 5 (or "AHHHH!!! MY EYES!! MY BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS EYES!!! WHY, DEAR GOD, WHY?!!! WHY, WHY, WHY?!!!")"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Summer Reading 2005 Day 2"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Kayla + Summa Reading + Mom & Sis / Aggressive Ignorance = Crazed Staff"
  

EPISODE 21 (121): The Doc Ock Fetishist Society

An odd tale of an odd bird encountered in the wild, AWAY from the "liberry" proper. Doc Ock Fetishist Woman was never a patron, but she was about as nutty as any of our patrons ever got. Not a bad human being in the slightest, just exasperating. In fact, if she has committed any crime, it's probably that she cares too much... about inanimate objects.

Also included in this tale is the story of the first time I was busted as a "liberry" blogger. Having your secret identity revealed to you is always disconcerting, but is even more bewildering when it comes with a large dollop of synchronicity on top.


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 21 (121): The Doc Ock Fetishist Society

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "What About the New Dock Ock?"
• Original Blog Entry: "Busted"
  

EPISODE 18 (118): Parka Life (REPOST)

(THE ORIGINAL DRAFT OF THIS EPISODE HAD SOME EDITING ERRORS, SO I'VE REPLACED IT WITH A CORRECTED VERSION. -- juice)

Just when we thought we had it bad enough with frequent visits from Chester the (Potential) Molester, another seeming sicko fell into our midst. And, unlike Chester, this one actually had computer skills. He also had a habit of exclusively wearing a puffy white Michelin man winter parka in the warmth of April, so his nickname officially became Parka.

While I didn't know it at the time, he would become the MOST chronicled member of the "Liberry" Rogues Gallery by proving himself to be the MOST irritating patron we had to deal with, in a multitude of ways.

Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to play the Five Tacos and a Taco podcast game Dick, Douche, or Dumbass and see if you can tell which category Parka falls into best. Or worst, as the case may be.

As an added bonus, the final story of the podcast features a magnificently satisfying tale of both a massively unprecedented event for our library as well as one of the aforementioned Chester getting his comeuppance at the hands of another library.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 18 (118): Parka Life

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: Snow, Slammin', Sickos and Spectres: The Four Dreaded S's
• Original Blog Entry: Parka Life
• Original Blog Entry: Days of Whine and Hosers
• Five Tacos and a Taco Podcast
  

EPISODE 20 (120): Barbie T: Combat Pay

Last week's podcast presented how Barbie Turdmurkle drove us nigh unto insanity in helping her log into one of her many online services that she doesn't have the necessary skillset to access by herself. One year later, she returned to do much the same thing, having learned no lessons on doing so from our previous encounter on the matter.

As an added bonus, I have also recorded my heretofore unpodcasted first encounter with Barbie T. It was the first of many exasperating telephone conversations I was to have with her.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 20 (120): Barbie T: Combat Pay

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Combat Pay"
• Original Blog Entry: "Actual Telephone Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #17"
  

EPISODE 19 (119): Barbie T: Master of the Internet

This podcast marks a return appearance by previous podcast rogue patron Barbara Turdmurkle, a.k.a. the titular Barbie T.

Barbie T has repeatedly proven herself to be incapable of using technology, especially computers, yet she continues to sign up for services that require internet access. This coupled with her constant fear that someone is trying to steal her identity and ruin her credit, coupled with some truly strange phone calls, meant someone at the "liberry" was going to have a bad day. Too bad it was me.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 19 (119): Barbie T: Master of the Internet

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Barbie T: Master of the Internet"
  

EPISODE 18 (118): Parka Life

Just when we thought we had it bad enough with frequent visits from Chester the (Potential) Molester, another seeming sicko fell into our midst. And, unlike Chester, this one actually had computer skills. He also had a habit of exclusively wearing a puffy white Michelin man winter parka in the warmth of April, so his nickname officially became Parka.

While I didn't know it at the time, he would become the MOST chronicled member of the "Liberry" Rogues Gallery by proving himself to be the MOST irritating patron we had to deal with, in a multitude of ways.

Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to play the Five Tacos and a Taco podcast game Dick, Douche, or Dumbass and see if you can tell which category Parka falls into best. Or worst, as the case may be.

As an added bonus, the final story of the podcast features a magnificently satisfying tale of both a massively unprecedented event for our library as well as one of the aforementioned Chester getting his comeuppance at the hands of another library.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 18 (118): Parka Life

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: Snow, Slammin', Sickos and Spectres: The Four Dreaded S's
• Original Blog Entry: Parka Life
• Original Blog Entry: Days of Whine and Hosers
• Five Tacos and a Taco Podcast
  

EPISODE 17 (117): The Nastiest Patron Ever

As much as I gripe about nutty patrons, the vast majority of people I had to deal with on a daily basis were amazingly nice and appreciative folk, who would never think to question a fine, let alone whine about it and whose scant few complaints were limited to things like, "I wish the library was open even more often than every day, cause I just love it so much!" Then, just when I was starting to think that humanity was basically decent, if occasionally misunderstood, and I should really look into shutting up with my own petty moaning, someone truly evil, such as the patron I called Mrs. Carol Satan, would arrive and blow the decency curve for everyone.

Mrs. Carol Satan's overriding memorable quality, (beyond smelling like a Marlboro factory in heat) was her ability to go from zero to psychotic, lying, bizatch in the space of 2.5 seconds. Not only was she known to frequently lie to our faces concerning matters that were her own damn fault, but she usually did so at full scream, practically slashing at our eyes with her claws. Any encounter with her left you feeling violated and dirty. She gave harpies a bad name. Dipped in the River C, she was.

Fortunately, we were at last able to defeat her in a most public manner.

This is that story.


DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 17 (117): The Nastiest Patron Ever

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: Nastiest Patron Ever
• Original Blog Entry: The Defeat and Utter Humiliation of Mrs. Carol Satan
  

EPISODE 16 (116): Stanky Patrons and other Dusty Turds

Public service brings with it one constant: The Public. And not everyone among the public is an avid fan of bathing nor is capable of comprehending that noxious fumes are produced by their butts, nor the readily available ways to combat said fumes. This was a reoccurring problem at my "liberry" that drove me nigh unto insanity. Today's episode presents one of the simple and elegant remedies to our library's ass fume problems that I actually proposed to my bosses.

As an added bonus, following today's reading is an interview with friend and former fellow library compatriot from another state, Glen B (no relation to Mrs. B), who will enlighten us as to the exact stench classification of some of the patrons in his library. He'll also enlighten us as to what one does when one's home is swallowed by a lake and how that smells afterward. This is one for the Hobo Power record books, gang.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 16 (116): Stanky Patrons and Other Dusty Turds

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Stanky Patrons"
• Queer YA Fiction for LGTBQ Teens (Daisy Porter)
• Library Chronicles
  

EPISODE 15 (115): Deception as the Rule

One of the oddest tales in the entire "liberry" catalog has to be that of Mrs. Lying D. Sackashit, a lady who proved to have in her possession a never-ending fountain of horseshit which she turned in our direction whenever we encountered her. I don't know the true nature of her particular brand of mental flaw, but she had an impressive ability to calmly reinvent reality on the spot regardless of the MOUNTING evidence to the contrary staring her in the face. Why did she do this? To get what she wanted, of course. And, unfortunately, in our battles with her, she often won.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 15 (115): Deception as the Rule

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Deception as the Rule"
• Original Blog Entry: "...and the librarian never saw those books again. The end."
• Podcast Recommendation: Five Tacos and a Taco
  

EPISODE 14 (114): The (Vid) Borrowers

(NOTE FROM 2012: Okay, I don't know what happened but somehow half this episode vanished. No, the version that's been posted here has the theme music, then trails off to silence for, like, 12 minutes, then comes back in with the second and third stories and wraps up. There's a massive gap where the first story had been and I don't know how this is possible. It's just gone and is gone from my back up .wav copy and the .mp3 copy and the online copy and the backup online copy I had on another server. Huge mystery, but I'm going to blame Audacity. Anyway, I rerecorded the missing bit and it's now whole once again.)

Libraries aren't just for books, you know. In fact, some patrons wouldn't crack one if there was crack in it. (Unless it was written by V.C. Andrews, but maybe that's just around here.) That's okay, cause most "liberries" have on hand a selection of some of the greatest films ever created and the shittiest VHS tapes ever to be lobbed into a donation bin. The patrons who exclusively check out such tapes fall into the patron archetype of Vid-Borrowers. And their queen, Mrs. Bellows, is a force-of-nature-of-frustration.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 14 (114): The Borrowers

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "The Borrowers Part 1"
• Original Blog Entry: "The Borrowers Part 2"
• Original Blog Entry: "Return of the Borrowers"
• Original Blog Entry: "Borrowers, Get Out!"

EPISODE 13 (113): Superfreak, the Worst of Paranoid Rick James

Upgrades in technology often bring upgrades in hassle. So was the case when our "liberry" network upgraded our circulation software, requiring us to rebarcode not only our entire collection, but our patrons as well. And when it came to patrons freaking out on us in a super fashion about policy issues concerning their library card, no one won the race ahead of Paranoid Rick James. His apparent fear that the "gubmint" was trying to keep track of which Joan Medlicott books he read led him down corridors of patron deception we could scarcely keep track of ourselves.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 13 (113)

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Superfreak!"
  
• Original Blog Entry: "Weekend Interlude"
• Original Blog Entry: "The Return of Paranoid Rick James"
• Original Blog Entry: "Maybe I should rename him Sir Richard Weed"
  

EPISODE 12 (112): Conspiracy Theory and other Abused Substances

Among existing "liberry" patron archetypes, Conspiracy Guy and Stoner Lad are probably two of the more universal ones. Every library has them, sometimes in multiples. We did as well, but there were two specific patrons that embodied these roles for me. Alas, by the time I began to write my blog, they had more or less moved on. But on one perfect night, they afforded me a glimpse of their combined powers of archetypical representation.

(Now who sounds like he's on drugs?)

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 12 (112)

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "The Closing Time Conspiracy"
• Conspiracy Guy
• Stoner Lad

EPISODE 11 (111): Now THAT's some Monday for your ass

Mondays. Who needs `em? Can't stand them. Wouldn't live next to them.

Okay, so this attitude is pretty much a universal one. But I assure you that Mondays at the "liberry" sucked even more than most Mondays despite the fact that we didn't even open until 1 in the afternoon. No, Mondays at the "liberry" sucked even worse than Halle Berry's Catwoman and, as your average goat will tell you, that movie sucked A LOT.

This episode is a prime example of why I hated Mondays at the "liberry" and the awful events that fell upon me on one particular Monday.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 11 (111)

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original entry: "Monday Monday, Can't Trust That Day (Now That's Some Monday for your Ass)"
• Monday Madness entries

EPISODE 10 (110): Open Letters, part the first

In these days of miracle and wonder, with all our email and forum snark, the craftily-worded complaint letter is nearly a lost artform. Even at the library, a place where the patrons had no problem complaining about the tiniest of perceived infractions, we rarely received them in letter form. That's why I decided to turn the tables and start writing open letters of complaint to the people who drove me nuts--albeit, online and in a place where they were unlikely to ever see them, especially considering that one of them is dead.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 10 (110)

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Entry: "Dear David McPhail..."
• Original Entry: "Dear BBC America..."
  
• Original Entry: "Dear Patrick McGoohan..."
  
• Original Entry: "Dear Mr. Perfect..."
• Original Entry: "Dear Fatty Manchild..."
• Matilde the Cranky Wiccan

EPISODE 9 (109): Bad Mother's Day

From the cast of 16 And Pregnant to the Octomom, bad moms are in the news and are seemingly more common than ever before. And while the majority of the moms who I knew at the "liberry" were awesome, there were a handful whose parenting skills I at least had to question, when not being actively driven nuts by the ladies themselves. Welcome to the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Bad Mother's Day Special.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 9 (109)

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original Blog Entry: "Do You Love Kayla Like I Love Kayla?"
• Original Blog Entry: "Kayla: The Return"
• Original Blog Entry: "Monday With A Vengeance"
• Original Blog Entry: "Bad (Crazed) Monday"
• Mr. W. Perfect
• Ron the Ripper
• Mr. B-Natural: Grumpiest Old Man in All The World

EPISODE 8 (108): The Boy With One Red Shoe (and other Tales of the Martins)

Two of the more exasperating and amusing child patrons we had at the "liberry" were Little Kevin and Little Chuck Martin. They were very intelligent, sometimes bitingly funny, but often a bit spacey and prone to making the job of "liberry" ass. a difficult one. I still count them among the good eggs, but that made them no less challenging (or funny) to deal with.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 8 (108)

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original blog entry: JUST OPEN IT!!!!!
• Original blog entry: Speaking of No Inside Voice
  
• Original blog entry: Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries #50
  

EPISODE 7 (107): The Patron Who Must NOT Be Named

Pedophiles: Public enemy #1. You've tried smelly sprays and perverticides, but pedophiles can smell too. They avoid sprayed areas and keep coming back for more. What you need is CHESTERKILL...

...oh, I can't do it anymore.

I so want to make light of our library's resident pedophile Chester the (Potential) Molester, but I just can't stand to do it. He was never a joke to us when I worked there and he's still not now.

Unfortunately, guys like Chester, who have more than a dusting of interest in underage girls, are a part of life when you work in a library. They don't tell you in the interview that it's part of your job to defend the patrons these sick bastards might (or might not) like to prey upon. But when you see them in action, you gladly do it because every fiber of your being screams for you to.

And Chester was particularly infuriating for many reasons, but two primary ones: 1) monitoring Chester's activities when he's in the building becomes a full time job from the moment he arrives; 2) Chester above all other patrons can magically appear at the sound of his own name.

This is less of a Funny Ha-Ha episode and more of a Holy Shit, I Can't Believe That Guy Is Walking The Earth, Where's Chris Hanson When You Need Him? kind of episode.

DOWNLOAD: TFT"LC" Episode 7 (107)

SHOW NOTES:

• Tales from the "Liberry" blog
• Original blog entry: The Patron Who Must Not Be Named